It’s not easy living with people with penises.
I’m outnumbered by ‘winkies’ in this house, it’s only 2:1 but it’s not much fun in the bathroom department. Now we have a fully confident bottom wiper who likes to do his ‘thing’ in private day or night it’s proving increasingly difficult to monitor splash back or when his aim game is way off the mark (which happens A LOT)!
What really pisses me off (pun intended) is the nightly game of toilet seat roulette. When I’m bursting for a pee and can’t be arsed getting out of bed to go to the loo in the dark not knowing what awaits me when I get there. But needs must so the journey begins…
I wall walk in the dark, not because I’m in unfamiliar surroundings but because my hip is dodgy and I’d deck it in the darkness otherwise. My eye sights shit too so it’s wall walk for the win! Literally like the walking dead around here!
I get to the loo safely having successfully gone undetected passed the open bedroom door of penis #2. He sometimes shoots up like a meerkat demanding to know what’s going on at 3am. I can’t even take a piss in peace no matter what time of day or night it is.
Yassss! With the help of the hall light I can make out that the toilet seat is still down. I’m in first place piss heaven! I continue on with the task in hand, sitting on the loo I find it both cold and soaked in piss, ‘fuck sake’ I mutter as my butt cheeks make the connection to my brain that I’m now tainted. Like that’ s not bad enough I then feel my foot hit something wet on the floor and yes that too is now also soaked in piss, even the bottom of my pj trousers need wringing out. What are these people? Racehorses? Blind?
I continue on in resentful silence and think about a revenge flush but knowing that’ll backfire and wake up penis #2 and not penis #1 as intended I decide against it.
Seething with rage I wall walk trouser-less back to the bedroom leaving my sodden pj bottoms on the bathroom floor in disgust.
The morning comes as it always does, this time little love runs in demanding to know why my jammy bottoms are on the bathroom floor and has the cheek to ask if I’ve had an accident.
I indignantly say I did not have an accident all the while thinking that I may as well have just pissed the bed since at least I would’ve stayed nice and warm!